What Kind of Holiday Soda Are You?

You Are Pecan Pie Soda

Sweet, but totally nuts

What Jones Holiday Soda Are You?

The Lunch from HELL!!!

So I thought I had a little fart yesterday when I was driving in the car to Sonic on my lunch hour.....except it was more substantial than a little fart.

So I went to Wendy's instead because they have a restroom. I took off my panties and had to rinse my pants in the toilet. All the while I was thinking that I was SO glad that these were black pants because it wouldn't be obvious that they were wet.

I was in a hurry to put my pants back on because I was standing nekkie in the restroom where the crack between the door was a little to big for my liking. In my rush, I jammed my foot into my pants in the wrong place, nowhere near the leg, and managed to rip a huge hole in the front of my pants directly in front of my crotch. Well I had to put the pants back on anyway, because I had nothing else to wear. I had no undies on because they had been "soiled," so my hootenanny was hanging out all over the front of my pants.

By this time, I was just grateful that I had a long t-shirt and jacket and a fairly substantially sized purse to hold in front of me while I made like I was invisible and walked myself out of Wendy's. Of course I had to call my supervisor and tell her that I'd have to take an extended lunch because I had to go home and change my pants that I'd ripped....I did NOT mention the other incident.

Such humiliation. I have no pride left.

Screaming to 35

It's that time of year, my friends. Time to reflect upon my past and try to foresee my future. No crystal balls here, unless you count the ben wa's in my nightstand. The past year has been filled with so many life changes. A marriage, a move, a change in jobs, new friends, new sights, new sounds, a new pet. I lost a lot of myself and learned even more about myself. I've cried more than I ever thought I could. I left my independence behind and regretted giving it away. I learned how to be distrustful, angry all the time and how to be resentful. I also learned how to make new friends when the only thing I wanted was to be with my old friends. I grieved like I never thought I could and I learned to love again, although not quite as much.

Right around the corner I can see age 35. I'll be spending the day of my blessed birth with my family in friends back home in Colorado, the place I love the most in this world with the people I love the most. I'll have precious time to relax, refresh, unwind, rethink my future and hopefully come to a decision about where I want my life to lead me from here. I'll be vacationing from the blog, vacationing from work, vacationing from stress and vacationing from everyday life here in the big city. I can't wait!

Take care during my absence, my friends. I'll be looking for some happy birthday wishes, especially on June 1st. Don't disappoint me or I might cry! And NO ONE wants the birthday girl to cry, do they?

The Two-Faced Mirror

I'm pissed at the my old friend, the mirror. I guess that's overstating it a bit, since the mirror has never really been an old friend of mine. Revision: I'm pissed at the mirror. The mirror led me to believe that it would be okay to wear those old crop pants that I loved so much....a year ago. The mirror led me to believe that by wearing the cute new lightweight sweater with the old crop pants would disguise the caboose and the big old engine leading up at front. When I went to the bathroom at work today and got a glimpse at Scooby's sideview, I nearly shut myself in the bathroom, broke my jaw and wired it shut with the chain in the toilet tank.

I swore to myself that I'd never eat again. I swore that I'd lose 30 pounds before I go on vacation to Colorado in a week and a half. I tried to make a deal with God that if he'd allow that to happen for me that I'd go to church every week now and forevermore.

The truth is, I know God doesn't make deals. The truth is, I know that I can't lose 30 pounds in 10 days. The truth is, I know I have to eat again sometime in the future. The truth is, I know that I could never take the pain of having my jaw broken and wired shut. The truth is, the thought of having anything from the toilet in my mouth is really the most disgusting thought I've had in a long, long time.

I didn't start this blog to complain about my life, my love life or my weight. It just so happens that this week...they ALL suck old, nasty, rotten, pickled eggs. I've never had old, nasty, rotten, pickled eggs, but I imagine they'd taste like I'm feeling right now.

In fact, as soon as I got home I nearly jumped out of my old crop pants because the button was biting into my stomach like a doberman. I could barely breathe and really wanted to pull an Al Bundy and unbutton my pants so there'd be an extra 1/2 inch of space in there. And now....right now....I'm sitting in a tank top and my panties because the thought of putting another ounce of clothing on my body makes me think I'd be putting on another 10 pounds.

It's not a lovely picture, so try not to get a visual of Scooby, my friends. I guess that strawberry margarita and long island iced tea didn't help....but at least I committed to drinking my dinner instead of eating my sorrows away. It's all about picking your poison.

Exercise SUCKS

On 04/13/06 my friend Cat and I decided to join a well known women's only workout facility. Prior to that, I'd been living a pretty sedentary life. My job is sedentary, and since I became a workaholic, the time I spent outside of "normal working hours" was also sedentary. I've got some poundage to lose and some health concerns, so I figured it would be a GREAT idea to join with a friend. We'd motivate each other, you see.

Cat and I have shown up for workouts regularly, albeit not fanatically. We went 3x/week most of the time and worked out 1/2 an hour each time. I realize that this isn't a huge amount of time to spend exercising, but it's more than where I started so I figured I'd see some results. Another co-worker, Kiwi, started going to the same facility and lost 2 inches in her waist in the first month. She's an itty bitty thing anyway, so I figured that I could lose at least 2 inches too.

This did NOT happen for me. After my first 30 days were over, Scooby totally screwed the pooch. Not only did I NOT lose EVEN ONE pound, I didn't lose even 1% of body fat and SOMEHOW gained 7.5 inches over my entire body. How is this even possible?

I realized that different people measure differently, so I asked to be remeasured. Two different people measured me for the 2nd and 3rd times and STILL I was bigger everywhere except my waist where I lost a pitiful 1/2 inch. I can't believe it. I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!! How am I supposed to stay motivated NOW?

DaVinci Decoder Ring

I think I need a DaVinci decoder ring. Should I see it or not? It sounds as if it's a well spun tale, but to learn that the whole premise of the book/movie is based upon facts made up by a man (possibly in France?) in the 1950's sort of takes some fun out of seeing the movie. On the other hand, I never expect to go see a true story when I go to a movie, even when a movie is based on real life events. I just can't figure out why I feel so conflicted. I know I don't have many readers...but does anyone have ANY thoughts on the movie?

Heidi Leatherbrook

This isn't the first time I've been named Heidi....but here's another little fun time waster for you:

See what your stripper name will be and share it with ME (and your friends, if you must). This only takes a minute. Follow the instructions to find your new stripper name:

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name.
A. Fantasia
B. Chesty
C. Star
D. Diamond
E. Montana
F. Angel
G. Sugar
H. Mimi
I. Lola
J. Kitty
K. Roxie
L. Dallas
M. Princess
N. Heidi
O. Bambi
P. Bunny
Q. Brandy
R. Sugar
S. Candy
T. Raquelle
U. Sapphire
V. Cinnamon
W. Blaze
X. Trixie
Y. Isis
Z: Jade\

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half or your new last name.
A. Leather
B. Dream
C. Sunny
D. Deep
E. Heaven
F. Tight
G. Shimmer
H. Velvet
I. Lusty
J. Harley
K. Passion
L. Dazzle
M. Dixon
N. Spank
O. Glitter
P. Razor
Q. Meadow
R. Glitz
S. Sparkle
T. Sweet
U. Silver
V. Tickle
W. Cherry
X. Hard
Y. Night
Z. Amber

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name.
A. Hooter
B. Horn
C. Tower
D. Fire
E. Thighs
F. Hips
G. Side
H. Jugs
I. Shock
J. Cocker
K. Brook
L. Tush
M. Sizzle
N. Ridge
O. Kiss
P. Bomb
Q. Cream
R. Thong
S. Heat
T. Whip
U. Cheeks
V. Rock
W. Hiney
X. Button
Y. Lick
Z. Juice

She's Been A Long Time Gone - Part II

Much has transpired in life since my last post. Perhaps one day I'll take the opportunity to write about my life since I got married and moved away from my home. Today is about mental health and licking wounds. I'm trying to find the old me that wrote my old blogs and hoping the wounds aren't too deep to heal. I'm hoping that I won't be damaged goods forever.

Today I've been catching up on an old blog favorite: with credit going to bitterwithbaggage@typepad.com, I put my music on shuffle and I played this little game to mindlessly entertain myself. Here goes:

How does the world see you? "Peace of Mind" - Boston
Will I have a happy life? "She's Got a Way" - Billy Joel
What do my friends really think of me? "The Way She Loves Me" - Richard Marx
What do people secretly think of me? "Your Song" - Elton John
How can I be happy? "It Had To Be You" - Frank Sinatra
What should I do with my life? "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman" - Bryan Adams
Will I ever have children? "Sweetest Goodbye" - Maroon 5
What is some good advice for me? "Strange Love" - Depeche Mode
How will I be remembered? "She's Always a Woman To Me" - Billy Joel
What is my signature dancing song? "When You Say Nothing At All" - Allison Krauss
What do I think my current theme song is? "Dirty Laundry" - Don Henley
What does everyone else think my current theme song is? "King of the Road" - Dean Martin
What song will play at my funeral? "Pretty Woman" - Van Halen
What type of men/women do you like? "Son of a Preacher Man" - Tanya Tucker
What is my day going to be like? "Nervous Alibi" - The Outfield