Playing Nascar

I spend all day at work trying incredibly hard to please people and to make them happy. People call me with all their problems and I'm the one they expect to make it all go away. This can be a little frustrating some days. Each day there's something and someone new calling in "needing" something from me. If you're one of my friends who just happens to be on the same stretch of highway at the same time as me, and if you also happen to be on the cell phone with me at the same time as when I'm completely fucking with another driver....then you've heard the simple pleasure and joy in my voice as I screw someone over purposely.

It's not just random people that I feel the need to fuck with. If you're being fucked with, you're one of "the chosen." You've done something to piss me off. Either you've fucked with me on the road thinking I'm some wimpy woman driver who will back down or you've fucked with some other unsuspecting driver who IS wimpy and WILL back down.

Let me tell you a story about my ride home today. I'm driving on the interstate going at least 5-10 miles over the speed limit. I notice a maroon Explorer riding my ass like he's driving himself to the Emergency Room. He gets into another lane to pass me at the speed of light only to slam on his brakes when he realizes he needs to be in the exit lane I'm in. So, he proceeds to wedge his ugly Explorer ass 4 inches in front of my front bumper to get between me and the car in front of me. Right then, I get a cell phone call from a friend....let's call her MBFLIK. Okay, how about just "my friend Flik."

I pick up the phone just in time for Flik to hear me scream, "Okay buddy! Get ready for some SUV to be rammed up your Explorer ass!" Flik immediately starts laughing. She recognizes that I've been crossed. I proceed to tailgate the Explorer just as he did me. A little taste of his own medicine, don't you see? As we merge onto the 4-lane highway, I then pass HIM at the speed of light and trap him behind me as I slow down to keep pace with the old guy in the grandpa car next to me going 5 miles under the speed limit. My friend Flik is still on the phone with me and happens to be merging onto the same highway I'm already driving on at nearly the same moment as I'm driving by. I give Mr. Explorer a small reprieve and speed up.....but only so that I might catch up with Flik. I'm giving her play-by-plays on the phone as we drive. By this time, there's a Dodge truck who cut in behind me between me and the Explorer. I'm not sure how that happened, but I'm choosing to think that the truck cut off the Explorer to get behind me. That gives me some small satisfaction.

I catch up to Flik, pass her and then move into her lane so that the truck can pass me. No need to punish the innocent, really. Then I quickly change lanes again to get in front of the Explorer so that I can slow down and keep pace with my friend Flik. We're laughing hysterically as she describes the incensed expression on Mr. Explorer's face. I purposely drive 5 miles out of my way just to fuck with that little bastard a little longer.

And so, as warning to you all....don't drive stupid out there. There may be someone willing to drive more stupid than you. She just might think that she can outshow, outrace and outhink you....because she watches Nascar. And she's right. Now let's be safe out there.