Animal House

I'm an animal lover. Ask my friends. Ask my family. I love all animals except snakes and spiders. I'm sure there are other animals that I'm not terribly fond of, but you get the gist.

For 10 years I had a wonderful, beautiful, sweet and loving kitty...we'll call him Tom. Tom started coughing shortly after spending some time in the kennel over Christmas last year. I figured it was kennel cough and didn't worry about it. The cough persisted for a couple of weeks so I took him to the vet in January. After listening to his lungs with the stethoscope, the vet thought he probably had a respiratory infection and prescribed antibiotics. Ten days of chasing sticky, blue pills that had been gagged and spit out of Tom's mouth ensued. No improvement with the cough. Another 10 days of antibiotics were prescibed. More gagging and pill chasing. After five days, still no improvement. X-rays were taken and showed that his lungs were completely full of fluid. Tumors were suspected. Stronger antibiotics and prednisone were prescribed. No improvement. Tom even began gagging before I even got the pills out of the bottle. Repeat x-rays were taken and showed that the fluid had not improved. The vet made a final determination that Tom probably had lung cancer. Kitties can have chemotherapy but I was informed that it is generally too strong for their little kitty systems and most often they die anyway.

After 10 years of spending every day and night with my little lover kitty who followed me everywhere, gave me kisses on my nose, expected scratching and cuddling every morning after I got out of the shower, cuddled with me every night, and was the only male who ever loved me unconditionally....I had to put my loverboy to sleep. This was the single most painful decision I've ever had to make on my own. Watching his sweet little blue eyes glaze over as he stared at his mama was torture. See his pupils eventually blow and knowing that he was gone FOREVER was excruciating.

Coming home to an empty house was new and horrible. I hated to even come home because I didn't have my little Tom to greet me at the door each day with happy meows and purrs. Soon after, I decided to adopt another blue eyed kitty from a cat rescue shelter....we'll call him Jerry. Little did I know that this adoption was the beginning of chaotic HELL.

This little bastard deceived us all by pretending to be sweet, cuddly and full of purrs when I spent time with him before actually adopting him. He fooled me. He fooled friends who are vet assistants. He even fooled the vet.

Jerry (aka the Spawn of Satan or Satan, Jr.) greets me at the door every day but usually just ends up stalking me like I'm a tasty little mouse invading his domicile. As I walk, he stalks me and attacks me from behind biting the backs of my knees. When I am sitting watching TV, he jumps me from the side and bites the tender backside of my arms. If I am laying in bed, even sleeping sometimes, he jumps on my head and bites my scalp or neck. Even if he is having a reserved and quiet moment where he is lying in my arms purring, he will suddenly turn schizo and bite my hands or arms. Even now, as I try to have a quiet moment at the computer, he is trying to jump up into the armoire so that he can lie on the keyboard. Irritating little fuck.

I have despised Jerry. I have picked Jerry up and have shaken him while yelling, "You are no Tom! You will never be Tom! I DO NOT love you!" Is there such a thing as shaken kitty syndrome? I'd swear he's brain damaged. I have yelled, insulted and berated him. I have tried scaring him with loud noises. I have bitten his little kitty ears back just to show him how it feels. I have tried putting him in kitty "time out." All to no avail.

I have had to shut him out of my bedroom at night to protect myself and those that I love from being attacked as we sleep. Jerry hates this and throws his body against my bedroom door for hours it seems all the while pitifully whining and meowing in hopes of being allowed back inside the inner sanctum. I admit, I've given in on occasion only to have Jerry sit up on my antique vanity and systematically paw each of my bottles of perfume off the vanity onto the floor. He's been punished for this and all his other misbehaviors (is that a word?) time after time. The little retard DOES NOT LEARN.

While he is being shut out of my bedroom at night, Satan Jr. proceeds to methodically destroy the rest of my house. Framed family photos on shelves are knocked over. Crystal candle holders are broken on the tile in front of my fireplace. Plants are dug into. I could only hope that he'd eat a toxic plant and die on his own. The Human Society suggested putting double sticky tape in areas where kitties aren't allowed. The tape is an alleged deterrant since kitties are not supposed to like the feel of the stickiness on their paws. I should be so lucky to have him actually EAT the tape and die. This little mofo plants his kitty ass down on the double sticky tape and licks it. I swear, he's E-V-I-L (eeeeeeeviiiillllllllllll!!!!).

Jerry has moments of love and sweetness where he will cuddle with me and sleep. He gives good kisses. His actions aren't aggressive. He's never hissed at me, laid back his ears or even used his claws. He just bites with his sharp little kitten/cat teeth and holds on like a pinscher with the jaws of death.

Tomorrow I will be going to "shop" for another kitty to bring home. I can only "trade in" Jerry with the cat rescue place if I agree to adopt another pet out. Perhaps temporarily. Perhaps permanently. Once I pick another kitty, the cat rescue place will take Jerry back and will work with him to socialize him and to TRY to tame him and teach him manners. I may or may not take Jerry back after that. The truth is, I am attached to his sweet side and will probably miss him.

At this point, I'd rather have a ghila monster french kiss me than risk taking in another psychotic furball. I'd rather chew glass. I'd rather belly dance for a living. Satan Jr. better appreciate this, the little motherfucker.

Somtimes I hate being a responsible grownup.