The Lies That Bind

It's been a long time since I blogged...for no particular reason really. One day early on, a loyal reader asked what I'd do if I the day ever came when I didn't have anything to write about. I scoffed at the absurdity of the comment. I always have something to say so why wouldn't I have something to blog? From that moment, the curse was on. I had NOTHING to write about. However, my loyal and dedicated readers are begging...so here I am opening my life to all y'all (that's plural for 'all of you', in case you're not from the south!).

The story of us: KC and I "met" online in November 2004. I don't remember the specific date. Neither of us planned to meet or to develop any sort of connection. We talked frequently, sometimes for hours and hours. We covered every imagineable subject. Even those that are usually controversial such as politics, religion, money, etc. We talked about our childhoods, which were remarkably similar, and our futures. We seemed to have everything in common. Our desires for our futures were identical. KC was intelligent, witty and funny.....and he GOT my sense of humor. Such a rarity!

We met in person in December and had a wonderful day together. We met for a second time just before Christmas and had an amazing weekend together. The sex was wonderful and I finally felt safe and completely comfortable with a man. I was comfortable being completely naked with this man...even in daylight!!! Then the bomb dropped. When KC got home from our incredible weekend, he told me that he had lied to me. Not about one thing. Not about two things. About everything. EVERYTHING! He confessed all his lies and asked for my forgiveness. Weeks went by and I punished him with every ounce of anger and resentment that I had in me. I insulted him, berated him and ignored him....over and over and over again. KC continued to humble himself before me hoping and waiting for my forgiveness, which was NOT quick in coming. He opened his life to me completely so that he might show me that the truth was really the truth. He sacrificed his own pride so that I might find it in my heart to look past the bad decisions he made and into the heart of a truly good man.

In the middle of this, I met another man whom we'll refer to as "Chicago." Chicago was good fun. He was completely different than KC and at that time I found that incredibly attractive. I didn't want to be reminded of the man who, as far as I was concerned, had betrayed and deceived me. I turned to Chicago for attention and affection and I slept with him one time.

Chicago and I continued to talk after this, although nothing more than friendship developed. I cared for him and I believe he cared for me, but not in a romantic way. There were no options in that regard. My thoughts always turned back to KC who remained a daily part of my life...albeit an unpleasant one a lot of times. Chicago knew about KC and eventually KC knew about Chicago too.

Forgiveness was slow in coming for me, but it finally came. In March 2005 KC and I started trying to repair the damage and entered a committed relationship with each other.

During all this, I lied to KC about Chicago. I told him that we'd never slept together. I perpetuated this lie for months...even after KC and I finally started repairing our relationship. I perpetuated the lie even when I was directly asked about Chicago by KC. I lied and I lied and I lied to protect myself; all under the guise of protecting KC. The pressure became too much and I confessed to KC what had really happened. Always the selfish girl, it was such a relief to get my dirty little secret out in the open. KC was absolutely FURIOUS. He wanted nothing to do with me. He didn't want to know me, talk to me, or to see me ever again. I felt like I was dead to him.

Fortunately, KC reconsidered quickly and took me back. He forgave me much more quickly than I did him although the thought of me having sex with another man haunts KC even today. In some strange twist, our lies have brought KC and I closer together. Each of us is fully aware of why we lied (whether the reason was good or not) and we recognize the effort it took for us to come clean with each other. We understand how it feels to be lied to and betrayed in every way. We understand how hard it is to forgive and what an awesome gift it is to be forgiven. KC and I become stronger as we continue to forgive each other. We are strengthened and encouraged to forgive when we are granted forgiveness.

As humans, we really do hurt the ones we love the most. Before the lies were confessed, our lies restricted us, stifled us, made us feel guilty and drove us insane. Now, with full honesty, our lies bring us together and unite us in common understanding and in the comfort and joy of forgiveness.

Love is tough. Sometimes love DOES require the choice to stay to together and to actually TRY to make things work. I'm the queen of running away when things get difficult. I'm finally reaping the rewards of staying. I thank God that sometimes I get smart by being stupid.

I love you, KC. I can't wait for niglets.

To my friends who already knew all this, and who forgave KC too, I love you too.